Loonatics

Okay, it's one in the morning, I'm on my second Captain Morgan and Pepsi and I recently finished watching a kick ass, totally insane low budget horror movie. And I'm still in the mood for some blogging, so I need to write about something. The only question is what I should write about.

I know. First of all, what the fuck is up with that Loonatics shit? Forgive my profanity--I'm a big fan of it, and there's going to be a lot in this post--but it's absolutely ridiculous. I bet most of you have already heard of it, but did you see this teaser trailer for the show that was posted over at Aint It Cool News? If not, you should watch it now and then come back here, filled with disgust and hate and vitriol and possibly a bit of bile. It can be real or emotional, I'll leave it up to you, but try to keep it contained either way.

Here's the deal. I'm not inherently against these sort of reimaginings and such like that. And I do think it's a bit unfair to harshly judge something before even seeing, you know, what it is. I mean, we have the pictures and we have the teaser trailer and all that good stuff, but we don't have a written and completed episode by which to judge and to see exactly what they're trying to do. But I'm still going to call bullshit and let me explain why.

These characters are boring, first of all. God, they're mundane and typical. We haven't seen this design before? Oh yes, we most certainly have. There's nothing original about this at all. However, that does not immediately make it terrible. We have to leave that to the writing, which is where a greater concern of mine lives. Based on the teaser, this looks like an incredibly lame attempt to be hip and happening, all up in your beeatch foshizzle and so on and such and shit. I know that doesn't make any sense, but stick with me here. We all remember the Poochie episode of The Simpsons, right? That's what this reminds me of. Any minute now, this new Daffy Duck is going to whip out a baseball cap and put it on backward, then slap on some sunglasses. Then, in the background, new Bugs (What's his name? Babs? Buzz? Balls?) is going to put a needle into his vein while the girl Bugs (Binnie? Biff? Bitch?) is going to start turning tricks on the corner, decked out in a pink vinyl miniskirt and six inch heels. See, it's hip. All the kids are doing it! Katie Couric says so!

Why does this look like a steaming pile of shit? It's not because they're desecrating the original Looney Tunes, it's that they're grasping at straws in a desparate attempt for ratings. Do I really need to see angular cartoons speaking monosyllabic words in deadpan voices while they save the world in spaceships and shit? No. Do kids half my age need to? God, I hope not. If that's entertainment, then shoot me right now because I don't want to live in that future.

You want to reimagine the Looney Tunes? Fine, what we're going to need is stark, brutal violence and crippling emotional dysfunctions. Here's what I want: Sam Raimi is going to find a hot new director and commission a remake of Evil Dead. That's actually true. So what we need to do is have Sam Raimi do it with this angle: it's animated and it stars the Looney Tunes gang. Okay? Stay with me here, because this is sheer brilliance. Bugs is Ash, of course. Daffy Duck, Wile E. Coyote, the girl rabbit, Taz, Road Runner--they're all going to be there, in their traditionally drawn way. The girl rabbit, right off the bat, gets raped by a tree. Ever heard a rabbit scream? I've experienced it--it's not pretty. It'll fuck you up, so this will be good.

The Road Runner dismembers Wile E. Coyote with it's fucking beak, okay? Taz, meanwhile, grows razor blades on his hands and starts doing that whirling thing all over the house, cutting the motherfuck out of everyone in attendance. Daffy Duck spends most of the time sputtering until he finally just rips his tongue out and starts shoving it down Bugs' throat. The girl rabbit, meanwhile, is giggling like a creepy fucker, looking as crazy as you can imagine and trying to stab Taz in the ankle with a pencil but instead getting sliced all to hell. Bugs, all the while, is making lame jokes and eventually just starts shoving carrots into any orifice avialable, whether it's his own or someone else's. Then, after about an hour and a half, Elmer Fudd shows up and blows the shit out of everyone with his shotgun, all the while mumbling, "Crazy fucking rabbits. I knew they were trouble."

Now there's your goddamn reimagining.